Sunday Thoughts ...

*Trigger Warning- Infertility

*This in no way is me writing a post on how to parent. This is simply a post expressing my thoughts in regards to parenting, and what I hope to be able to deliver to my own future children.

As I was sitting out in my backyard, on a quiet Sunday afternoon, there was a conversation happening between a mother and her child. This conversation involved extremely elevated voices between both the mother and child. From what I was hearing it modeled the parenting perspective of “I am the parent; you must listen to me and do exactly as I say because I am above you”. The conversation then escalated to the mother demanding the one child to apologize for something. It all seemed liked such a strange way to teach this child right from wrong. From an outside perspective, as an adult, all I could think was how confusing this would be. 3 things I was hearing that this child was learning through this situation;

1. yelling is allowed when you are the one in “power” or want to get your way

2. you must apologize when someone tells you to. Your time to process the situation is not valid.

3. when you are “above someone” it is acceptable to use manipulative behaviour like “do this or else”

I am not a parent myself, but have hoped for that opportunity for many years. The diagnosis of unexplained infertility is not something you can prepare for. As the months have passed of one negative pregnancy test after another, I have almost become numb to the image of one tiny vertical line and the words ‘not pregnant’. I have become so numb to it, that I completely stopped taking pregnancy tests all together.

Becoming pregnant now seems like a mythical goal and I often times find it difficult to picture myself in the role of a mother. Even just typing those words out seems like such a foreign concept. I believe that is my way of “coping” with the immense heart break this journey has caused. While I have felt this pain, I have also recognized the amazing gift I have been given of personal growth. In all honesty, 7 years ago, I would have never thought anything other than – “that’s parenting” when listening to this interaction with this mother and child. This past 7 years has given me so many opportunities to rediscover what my own beliefs are and how I want to raise my future babies. Too often we get caught up in the checklist our society, culture, religion or families have created and we forget that life is meant to be lived and enjoyed. No two people’s timelines look alike. Social media has also added an additional level of comparison to our lives which is something I think we will ever be navigating as the world is constantly evolving in technology.

What I have learnt is that children model after you, their parent. They literally watch your every move. How you respond to a situation. How you speak to everyone around you. How you speak to yourself. They can sense if you enjoy being around them. They hear you when those comments are made about needing a break. They hear and see it all and each child process differently.

I hope to be aware of this with my future babies, so I have started paying attention to these things now. I am more aware of how I am reacting to a situation, responding to someone and my physical actions. Having 2 puppies has been a huge learning curve but also one of the best life lessons I have experienced and continue to experience. With a dog, they retain the basics. They don’t have the same level of understanding that humans do, and they are not aware of the consequences of their choices. All very similar to children, up to a certain age. I am grateful for this experience as I know it will pay off when my future babies are in this stage. I have dealt with chewed up furniture, accidents in the house – conveniently only on the carpeted areas … (can you sense my eye roll), sneaking of food – finding Willow on the coffee table polishing off a bowl of chips that we left her alone with for 0.02 seconds, and many more situations. In all of these situations I have taken a step back (after I have had time to process) and thought … “This is not ideal, and I really am not looking forward to the clean-up, but here is a learning opportunity, how can I teach them this is not something we are adding to our everyday.” I hope that I can maintain that same perspective when human babies are in my life. I also know I will only be able parent to the best of my ability in that time of my life, with the knowledge and experience that I have in that exact moment. We are ever evolving and forever learning, and I am looking forward to all that I will continue fail at, in order to develop a deeper understanding.

As I sit here on this Sunday afternoon, I feel grateful I have these opportunities to be so in-tune with my inner thoughts and feelings of my own. The artist, P!nk, recently released her album Trustfall and the lyrics to the song Turbulence are incredibly powerful. Sometimes, when we find ourselves navigating these "roadblocks" some powerful lyrics can be healing, and a beautiful reminder that we are growing stronger everyday by working through the roadblocks.

"The panic is temporary But I'll be permanent So when it hits, don't forget As scary as it gets It's just turbulence"

- Turbulence, P!nk

xo, Kait